The folks at the Beauty Shop think I ought to give-up on this hairdressing thing. They contend that there's going to be a vacuum in the Handy-Crafts-You-Could-Be-Doing-If-You-Weren't-So-Uncouth Department once they haul Martha Stewart and her $17,000 purse off to the pokey.

I've been listening to their advice because, darnit, I need a $17,000 purse. I think every woman needs one. I'd give up this hairdryer right now for a $17,000 purse. Once, I had a purse that was genuine imitation alligator vinyl with faux mother-of-pearl inserts. I thought I was hot stuff with that purse. So, Honey, if I had Martha's purse, I'd be so hot that we could solve this reliance on foreign energy thingy overnight.

That got me to thinking. Hummmm..... make something. Hummm...... make something like Martha would. Hummmm.... And then, as if by divine intervention, Tom DeLay, Congressvarmint Extraordinary, sends me the raw materials to start my new business. Within days of each other, I get three - count 'em 3 - fancy color expensive mailouts from Tom telling me how wonderful he is. I didn't even have to pay for these. You paid for them with your tax dollars and I appreciate that.

I mean, I know that our soldiers are doing without bullet-proof vests in Iraq. I know we had to cut the CHIPs program and little children are doing without health care. I know the national debt is gaining ground on infinity. But, think of it this way - Juanita got a new career out of this deal! It's a good thing.

And, since the last three mailouts were sent to discourage anyone with a lick of sense from running against Tom in the Republican primary, just think of how many taxpayer-paid mailouts we'll get from Tom before the November election. Don't think of it as wasted taxpayer money - think of it as craft supplies!

By folding Tom's mailouts in unusual and creative ways - we affectionately call it Tomigami - you can have some cool stuff. Forget using them as placemats, fish wraps, or floors for birdcages! We've gone far beyond that. I ain't gonna get no $17,000 purse by suggesting placemats. I'm selling creativity, Honey.

This first picture is of something you can make for the kids. Just a little duct tape - surely you have some leftover - and a flashlight and you have - ta da - a Tom DeLay light saber just like the one in the famed movie, Star Wars. If the adults in your house want to play with it - and who wouldn't? - they can pretend to be CongressSuperhero Tom DeLay, fighting back the heathen horrors of Episcopalism, public education, and other non-Baptist evil things.

Once you've mastered the skills necessary for the light saber, you're ready to move on to the more complicated, but also more rewarding, Tomigami hat. By opening up the double paged mailout, folding each end just right, and using some tape to hold the whole thing together, you have a useful and handy Tom DeLay Just Like Napoleon Hat, optional hand in vest. Oh my, the respect you'll get with this one is unimaginable. Wear it to the mall, the bus stop, the bowling alley, the Superbowl! People will immediately mistake you for Tom DeLay! They'll throw money at you and stand in awe of your meanness.