Category archives for: Editorials

A NOTION OF IMMIGRANTS

Lynn Ashby

One night I was having dinner in an eatery when the owner came over and said, “Mee-stur HASH-bee, you have a phone call.” Huh? The café was in an unknown village in the Netherlands, and few if any people knew I was there, or cared. The call was from an American friend, Phil, who worked […]

AWAY ALL QUOTES!

Lynn Ashby

“I’m from Texas and one of the reasons I like Texas is because there’s no one in control.” — Willie Nelson. “Doesn’t Texas sometimes seem to resemble a country like Saudi Arabia, with its great heat, its oil wealth, its brimming houses of worship, and its weekly executions?” — Martin Amis, “The Palace of the […]

BITE THE BALLOT

Lynn Ashby

THE PARTY – “So what do you think about the elections?” I ask a total stranger, trying to make idle chatter. “I’ll TELL YOU WHAT I THINK!” he says sweetly, pouring his drink on my canapés. Uh-oh. I’ve done it again. Today the mere mention of politics and/or elections sets off a firestorm. No one […]

AS BIG AS TEXAS

Lynn Ashby

THE OPEN ROAD – As good highway drivers, we keep a sharp eye out for slick roads, dangerous curves and, of course, cops. But now we must also watch out for yet another danger: wildlife which dart across the road in front of us in their suicidal attempt to run up our car insurance premiums. […]

An ID-eal Situation

Lynn Ashby

You have already voted, the ballots either have been counted or are being re-counted, depending whether the LBJ School of Ballot Management is in charge. And you are celebrating another victory for democracy. As the Church Lady would say, “Well. aren’t you special.” That’s because you have all the necessary paraphernalia, appear prosperous and Anglo, […]

Funds and Games

Lynn Ashby

FROM: The Hon. Gov. Rick Perry TO: Any Texan or Wannabe Texan Do you have an idea for a new business? Do you wish to expand your current business? Bring a business to Texas? Or would you just like lots and lots of money? Then you, fellow Texan or potential Texan, have come to the […]

Northern Exposure

Lynn Ashby

THE CAFÉE – Ah, yes, a little French music, French soup, croissants, and I can’t understand a word the yuppies at the next table are saying. Is this Paris? No. Louisiana? Not exactly. This is Olive + Gourmando on the corner of some street names I can’t pronounce. This is Montreal, which most Americans also mispronounce. […]

Guns ‘N’ Poses

Lynn Ashby

Dear neighbors, Some of you have been asking your board of directors about our new Running Rats Acres Police Department or RRAPD, the occasional M1Abrams tanks you see on our streets, and I’ll get to the drones in a minute. You have asked, “I didn’t even know we had a police department although we could […]

The Wealth of Notions

Lynn Ashby

My last get-rich scheme didn’t work out too well. I bet the Texans and Cowboys would play in the Super Bowl. But I heard that organic foods were the current fad, so I invested heavily in them, and went broke because no one would buy my organic foods, not even my organic transplants. “Organic is […]

Barbed Wire

Lynn Ashby

THE LINE – You don’t often see a store with a large sign by the front door warning not to bring firearms inside, complete with the big silhouette of a revolver. And inside is a very big guard (true to the sign, no gun) but with badge and uniform and the look of a rabid […]

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